So I havent been on here in well over a year. Pretty lame I know but it happens. Life happens, in fact a lot happens. I dont really mind writing but its not one of my favorite things to do. It does however get things off my chest that if I say to anyone else may come out wrong. So I think that this is for me. This blogging thing. I think Ill be better off sticking to writing and letting it out this way then to talk to people that just dont understand. I may not have anyone read this and thats fine, like i said this is for me. Not you but me. If you read it great! Thanks :) and I really mean that if not then thats fine to. But there is so much going through my head that I have to have an outlet. I have to. So here goes nothing.
On January 26th of 2010 22 days after I transferred from the youth center to PFH, My bestest buddy in the whole wide world, was killed. He and 3 other guys 2 of which were from the center were walking home after going to the store and were being chased by dogs and one of the guys pulled out a gun to shoot the dogs and hit Jamar in the back. I remember getting a text message not even an hour after it happened from his cousin Lele telling me that Jamar was dead and all I could do was tell him to stop lying and that he wasnt funny. Of course I pick up the phone and go to call Jamar and my phone rings, I knew right then that the text message was true. What I didnt know was that the next year of my life would consist of me having to be strong for everyone around me. Jamar's death was huge, it impacted and still does a lot of people. Its one of those things that you dont think will happen to you and then it does. Its crazy though because Im not a stranger to death at all since 2001 Ive lost 8 family members, I know how to deal with death, I know how it works, but what I didnt know was that a community was going to be looking at me for answers. I didnt know that kids were going to look at Ms. Jessica for strength, I didnt know that Jamars family was going to look to me for peace, I didnt know that a year later I still wasnt going to be able to "deal with it" like so many people have told me to do. Its not that I dont want to deal with it, because I do, but its hard because everytime I go to deal with it myself, someone else needs me. So now as the year mark had come up on us, and Im doing all I can to once again stay strong, I have those people around me that just dont get it. They say some of the dumbest things, Ill deal with it, I dont need you saying anything If your my friend then I need your support and if you cant give me that then dont give me anything right now. Because Ive been strong for everyone else for 12 months now I need people to be strong for me. Let me cry, let me be upset, let me do nothing, let me feel the way that you were able to feel and have been able to feel the last 12 months. I havent because Ive had to be strong. I dont want to be strong for anyone else but myself and I cant do that with everyone around me telling me to deal with it. Grief is not an overnight process it takes time, its not going to go away with the snap of a finger. Today I took the day off. I didnt really wanna be around anyone. I wanted to be by myself, sleep in, lay around the house and do nothing. And thats what I did. I have to say though I found this thing from hospice that tlaked about friends not understanding and how old friends may walk away and that new friends may come and those new friends are going to stick around because they know you as you are now they dont want you to change and they accept your hurt and brokenness. I can say that God has definately blessed with me a new friend. In August of this past year God sent me a friend that was totally unexpected. He sent me Angela, in the form of an intern at EHV. Had someone told me that she was coming and that she was going to listen and be there when people Ive known for 4 years werent Id of laughed at them. Had someone told me that she would have been there when people who knew Jamar couldnt Id of said yeah right. But God opened the doors and I can honestly say that if it werent for Angela that the last 2 days heck 6months would have been really hard. She made me a picture frame thats says Bestest Buddy on it and has pics of me and Jamar and with it she gave me a card that says "Remembering Someone Special, there is little that can be said, to ease your grief now- but I hope it helps to know that your loved one touched many lives, and will always be remembered with love." This is someone who has known me 6 months and she had the right words to say. I have to thank God for those unseen moments. Things that he had in store that I was so unaware of. Like this evening. I got to take the 2 boys that were with Jamar the night he was killed to the cemetary for the first time. They hadnt been. That was so hard standing there watching their faces, looking at them knowing that they saw so much that night, but I was also thankful to be there with them, to be able to stand there with them and see the love on their faces. Those boys were so close, more like brothers than best friends. Real friends are hard to come by, but when you find them they are friends for life, they stick with you through thick and thin, and they dont judge, they listen, they laugh, they keep you in check, but most of all they arent going to run when things get tough. Thats what those boys were to each other, Real friends. Now that I have gone off on a complete and total tantrum , I think Ive cleared my mind enough to head to bed....
