This is for me...

So I havent been on here in well over a year. Pretty lame I know but it happens. Life happens, in fact a lot happens. I dont really mind writing but its not one of my favorite things to do. It does however get things off my chest that if I say to anyone else may come out wrong. So I think that this is for me. This blogging thing. I think Ill be better off sticking to writing and letting it out this way then to talk to people that just dont understand. I may not have anyone read this and thats fine, like i said this is for me. Not you but me. If you read it great! Thanks :) and I really mean that if not then thats fine to. But there is so much going through my head that I have to have an outlet. I have to. So here goes nothing.

On January 26th of 2010 22 days after I transferred from the youth center to PFH, My bestest buddy in the whole wide world, was killed. He and 3 other guys 2 of which were from the center were walking home after going to the store and were being chased by dogs and one of the guys pulled out a gun to shoot the dogs and hit Jamar in the back. I remember getting a text message not even an hour after it happened from his cousin Lele telling me that Jamar was dead and all I could do was tell him to stop lying and that he wasnt funny. Of course I pick up the phone and go to call Jamar and my phone rings, I knew right then that the text message was true. What I didnt know was that the next year of my life would consist of me having to be strong for everyone around me. Jamar's death was huge, it impacted and still does a lot of people. Its one of those things that you dont think will happen to you and then it does. Its crazy though because Im not a stranger to death at all since 2001 Ive lost 8 family members, I know how to deal with death, I know how it works, but what I didnt know was that a community was going to be looking at me for answers. I didnt know that kids were going to look at Ms. Jessica for strength, I didnt know that Jamars family was going to look to me for peace, I didnt know that a year later I still wasnt going to be able to "deal with it" like so many people have told me to do. Its not that I dont want to deal with it, because I do, but its hard because everytime I go to deal with it myself, someone else needs me. So now as the year mark had come up on us, and Im doing all I can to once again stay strong, I have those people around me that just dont get it. They say some of the dumbest things, Ill deal with it, I dont need you saying anything If your my friend then I need your support and if you cant give me that then dont give me anything right now. Because Ive been strong for everyone else for 12 months now I need people to be strong for me. Let me cry, let me be upset, let me do nothing, let me feel the way that you were able to feel and have been able to feel the last 12 months. I havent because Ive had to be strong. I dont want to be strong for anyone else but myself and I cant do that with everyone around me telling me to deal with it. Grief is not an overnight process it takes time, its not going to go away with the snap of a finger. Today I took the day off. I didnt really wanna be around anyone. I wanted to be by myself, sleep in, lay around the house and do nothing. And thats what I did. I have to say though I found this thing from hospice that tlaked about friends not understanding and how old friends may walk away and that new friends may come and those new friends are going to stick around because they know you as you are now they dont want you to change and they accept your hurt and brokenness. I can say that God has definately blessed with me a new friend. In August of this past year God sent me a friend that was totally unexpected. He sent me Angela, in the form of an intern at EHV. Had someone told me that she was coming and that she was going to listen and be there when people Ive known for 4 years werent Id of laughed at them. Had someone told me that she would have been there when people who knew Jamar couldnt Id of said yeah right. But God opened the doors and I can honestly say that if it werent for Angela that the last 2 days heck 6months would have been really hard. She made me a picture frame thats says Bestest Buddy on it and has pics of me and Jamar and with it she gave me a card that says "Remembering Someone Special, there is little that can be said, to ease your grief now- but I hope it helps to know that your loved one touched many lives, and will always be remembered with love." This is someone who has known me 6 months and she had the right words to say. I have to thank God for those unseen moments. Things that he had in store that I was so unaware of. Like this evening. I got to take the 2 boys that were with Jamar the night he was killed to the cemetary for the first time. They hadnt been. That was so hard standing there watching their faces, looking at them knowing that they saw so much that night, but I was also thankful to be there with them, to be able to stand there with them and see the love on their faces. Those boys were so close, more like brothers than best friends. Real friends are hard to come by, but when you find them they are friends for life, they stick with you through thick and thin, and they dont judge, they listen, they laugh, they keep you in check, but most of all they arent going to run when things get tough. Thats what those boys were to each other, Real friends. Now that I have gone off on a complete and total tantrum , I think Ive cleared my mind enough to head to bed....

Experiencing the Teenage years.... as a Youth Worker

Hmmm... so I have earased this blog twice now because I feel like Im at a loss of words as to what I truely want to say. So here it is... yesterday and today at the center we have had some HUGE anger/fighting problems with a few of the boys at the center. Im at a loss, I feel like I have nothing to offer them and no way to relate to them because 1.) Im a girl and 2.) Ive never had to fight for my life. When I go home at night, its not a matter of where Im gonna sleep, if my electricity is going to be on, whose going to be home, etc. etc. I take those little things for granted.
I am literally sitting on my bed right now with 6 or 7 books looking for something that can help me in anyway relate or maybe not relate but just speak to these guys. Now dont get me wrong, it isnt just the guys, its the ladies too at times, but it seems like more and more the attitudes of the guys are getting more and more aggressive. These kids have caused me more stress and heartache over the last 6 months then my family and friends. I have completely and totally invested my life in what some would call complete and total strangers. God has called me into Urban ministry, and I am still not sure why, but I am loving every minute of it.
I know that answers cant always be found in a book, and I also know that I wont have a solution to every problem, but I do know that when things are going badly I can always ask God for a little strength and patience and He will provide.
Over the last 6 months I couldnt even begin to tell you some of the stories that these kids have come to me with everything from needing helping filling out a form for STD's/HIV to no knowing wether or not they are the parent of a child. These are things that I have never had to experience first hand, and its sad that some of these kids are facing this alone. As I look back on my youth workers from when I was in junior high and high school, they were some of the closest people to me. People like Tina and Troy who I could literally go to with anything and even now 9-10 years later I can still call them up on the phone just to talk. I can only hope that one day some of my kids can say the same about me. I want to be a youth worker that makes a difference. I want these kids to know how much I care. I wont lie, there are times that I feel what I am doing is pointless because these kids are driving me crazy, but at the end of the day I cant wait for center to resume the next day and to see the smiling (most of the times) faces of my kids walk through the door.

I know this blog probably makes no sense at all but thats ok. If your reading this and you were one of my youth workers growing up... THank You... I know I probably never said it, but you helped mold me into the person Ive become today. I only hope that I can be the youth worker that you were to me to the kids that I am ministering to on a daily basis!

Love ya,
Jess

Gonna Have Some Fun In the Sun

Wowzers! Its been a 2 whole months since Ive written on this thing. There is just so much going on at all times that its hard to keep up with this as well as everything else.... Sorry for those of you who do read! But anyways now is the time to update you all on whats been going on.

May ended well... Scotty graduated from College on the 17th and I was able to go home for a week to hang with family and friends. It was a fabulous time being home. My first full day back I was able to take Ethan for a Jess/Ethie day and we went to church and played for about an hour or so with cars and "Big Trucks" he told me I was "not nice" because he threw a truck at some glass and I told him No and he was not happy with me at all. We went to the mall from there and hung out with Scotty and his girlfriend Meghan. And boy was Ethie in a good mood! He threw dirt in the fountain instead of pennies... it was hysterical. He was driving one of the car strollers and was having a blast! By the time we went to pick up mom from work, he was starting to get sleepy but when we got to the school he literally played on the playground for a good 30 minutes non stop with the older kids! Needless to say he crashed on the way home. We had a great day.... Here are a few pics from that day!




The rest of the weekend was a blast, Scotty's party was on Sat. and I was able to see so many people that I hadnt seen in awhile. It was a great time, beautiful weather and great times! On Sunday we went to Uncle Gary and Aunt Becky's house for Courtney's graduation party. It was so much fun, we went paddleboating, fishing and my personal favorite 4-wheeling! Monday I spent the afternoon with the Workmans's and Char, it was great... felt like old times playing in the pool, laughing, singing, joking, we had so much fun. The kids are growing up so fast! Here are some more pics from the rest of my time at home.












So after all the fun at home, I returned back to Kansas City and was ready for summer programming to start. I am full time for the summer at East Hills. It has been a blast so far. Monday's we do some nutrition classes and guy girl groups, Tuesdays are this thing called Hip Hop academy, it is so much fun we have teachers come in and teach the students and adults the various elements of Hip Hop so far we have learned turn tables, graffiti art and rhyming. Graffiti art has by far been my favorite to participate in , however turn tables are awesome to watch as well....! Wednesdays are our swimming days and Thursdays are are field trip days. It is definately a full summer! Here are some pics from the summer so far!









I have also already gone through bible school at Nall. This is my second year teaching 3 and 4 year olds and let me tell you what. They are too funny. This one little girl Charlee came in the first day of bible school with a tinker bell shirt on and when I said "Hi Charlee how are you?" She quickly turned to me and said "UGGG my name is Tinker Bell." So needless to say the rest of the evening she was known as tinker bell she would literally freak out if you called her Charlee. She is also the funny little one who had a high school musical shirt on one night while on stage singing and I said to her that she had sharpay on her shirt she was argueing with me and said... NOOOO its musical high school so we were teasing each other and I said,Nope is sharpay and she is a drama queen just like you.. she looks at me and says... "no I am not a drama queen ... YOUUUU are the drama queen!" We were all cracking up. That age group is so much fun, one night our story was about Telling the Good news of Jesus' resurrection and and Idea in the book was to have someone call and ask the kids if they had heard the good news. The kids were so enthusiastic when they heard my dad on the other line asking them if they knew.. they were so excited and so into the story it wasnt even funny. When their parents came that was the first time they were telling them. Here are a few pics from the week, along with pics of my room. Our theme was Studio Go so rooms were decorated with movie, hollywood, tv kinda things it was a blast!










I was also able to go this thing called Red, White and Boom. My friend Leah had a friend who won tickets off the radio but already had tickets so ... she was able to get me the hook up! I had tons of fun. David Cook headlined the show and Blue October, The Veronica's, Matt Nathanson, and a few more were all there it was great! I went with my friend Kim we had a blast after it stopped raining. I literally downpoured for 2 hours we were troopers though we sat there through the rain totally drenched. We kept saying we will definately remember this for years to come. It cracked me up once the rain stopped though to see all the little teenie boppers trying to dry their hair under the hand dryers in the bathroom. People are so great to watch, we saw a "Cougar" hitting on a 16 year old as well as some very drunken parents grinding on each other. It was also fabulous that we moved from our lawn seats all the way down to the stage standing area! It was a great day!









Now that this is probably the longest post ever, I will leave you with just a few more pics from the summer so far.


Me and Ms. Jackson from the Youth Center at our training we had to make a child out of all these crazy materials her name was Gabby and she had a huge head! LOL

Me and my friend leah out shopping! We are special

The New Do

the new do from the back

Me and a few friends from Church at Tori's going away party



Sorry so Long hope you enjoy! Ill prolly post again in a few days with more pics from July!

April Showers bring May Flowers

So its has officially been 1 month since the toy store I work at Zoom closed for relocation. I wont lie I was majorly nervous about how I was going to make it until the end of May with only 1 big paycheck coming in. However God has once again shown me the importance of having Faith. I have been out of Zoom for 4 weeks and I can honestly say I have not gone without anything. I actually feel as if I have had more money in my account in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last 4 months. I start to stress about bills being paid and when I look at my account it seems as if its stretching. Dont get me wrong, I have had to make a few sacrifices to not have to have yet another job on my list, but it has definately been worth it. I have really enjoyed my time off also. I thought I would be anxious to get back into the groove of things with a steady income but, I tell ya what, Im getting kind of spoiled not having to leave one job to go directly to another. I feel more refreshed and so much less stressed and tired. Its been a great break for sure. Ive had more time to come home and relax. For my birthday someone gave me a gift certificate to a Christian book store and I bought a new book called "Before you meet Prince Charming." It has really been speaking to me. It basically tells a story of a princess who goes through all these test and trials before meeting her prince charming. She listens to parents and consults with them and God and doesnt waste her time on frivolous relationships. Its been a great tool not only with the struggle of dating and marriage, but even with friendships. Its brought about new concepts to think about and the memory verses at the beginning of each chapter have been very encouraging. Another aspect of this book that I have extremely enjoyed is the challenge at the end of each chapter. I have been keeping a journal over the last few months and I have tried my best to make this journal one that I actually enjoy writing in. I take it to church with me and doodle and take notes and write out song lyrics and everything else, but I also keep it by my bed in order to write down some of the things this book is teaching me. Its great and I am excited to keep trusting in God not just financially, but in every aspect of my life. This morning in Sunday School we were asked if we have ever been tested in life and how that has impacted who we are today and I shared the story of Mamaw being a real test of faith for me and when Jeff asked me what that test taught me.. I stopped for a minute and said "That I can do (and make it through) all things through His strength. I cant do it alone, I need Him to help out." I know this post is kinda all over the place but those are my thoughts right now. I got home from church and watched Faith Like Potatoes and was just once again reassured the power that Faith in Christ holds. I have been listening to worship music for the last 45 minutes. The words to the song that have been going over and over in my head, are those of the song "I will Rise" by Chris Tomlin, we sang it this morning and I had to look it up on Youtube so that I could hear it again and again... here are the words...

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise



Here are a few of my favorite pics of this past week at the youth center :)